Think about it...

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished.  If you're alive, it isn't. 

 ~Richard Bach

Moving, moving, moving...

This weekend I am moving to a new place. In many real ways I am downsizing. Sometimes it is so hard for me to let go things. Things. Things that have no real purpose except that they hold this memory that I feel that I don't want to let go of. Memories. Memories are precious gifts to have and to hold and for me to remember. I have lived through a great deal already and I don't want to forget where I've come from. Not that I think I can really truly forget who used to be important to me or the good times we shared, but more personally I want to share who I used to be with my loved ones. It's really very selfish. But, important to me to hold onto things. I mean won't my children want to know what I was like when I was younger? A braver more idealistic version of the person I am now. Maybe brave isn't the right word, naive? I'll work on that one....
I don't actually have any children yet or even my sights on a man who I will have children with. These things may make it so that I want to hold onto what once was even more. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now. (mostly) Most importantly I love who I am. I love who I have become. That I have truly been set free from the things that kept me from blossoming. The younger version of myself was not as confident in herself and her convictions to not let other people take advantage of her huge heart. I see that now. Yes, I graduated from my therapy. ;)
Getting back to these things. The power they hold over me is a little overwhelming. I want to be able to throw it all away. But then I think, no I could maybe possibly need that in the future. But when, you ask? Maybe not for another 10 years... but who's counting? It will still work! I have been good about getting rid of things really. We just had a yard sale and I did well. But you know how yard sale's are... not everything goes! I did take back a few things that were left. Most of the rest went to good will. Or we are trying to sell it on Craig's List. The thing is that I am moving into a much smaller space. Will all that I am bringing fit? Will I have to get rid of MORE stuff once I see how my stuff fits?
The problem is one that is on top of my list... but all I can do is hope to become better organized and make it all work... which is I ever hope to do, come to think of it. 

STUFF AND THINGS, Things and stuff... this world is full of it.

"Be content with what you have; 

rejoice in the way things are. 

When you realize there is nothing lacking, 

the whole world belongs to you."

Things are ALWAYS changing!

The one thing certain in life is change. By the end of this month a lot will have changed. I am moving into a new place, with new people and my current house mate is moving back to Wisconsin. I am no longer working with that studio in the same capacity as we had originally discussed, but the door is not completely closed. I do have some more clarity on what I want for me in terms of the type of photography I want to pursue. It's just a matter of how that will look and how I will do it. Challenges. In this moment right now I can not decide if the city where I am living is the problem or the solution. What an interesting notion. All I know is that things are always changing and sometimes I'm not so good with change.

When Life gives you lemonade...

Everyone has heard the saying, when life gives you lemons - make lemonade! Well, I have been given some lemonade. Things seem to be going really well for me right now. I have been offered a job to work for a studio and it seems like things are really falling into place, finally! I have been given a lot of lemons in life... and now that I feel like I finally have a break, that I finally have something to sell, and I gotta sell it! I'm opening up my lemonade stand with some good people. I am excited about the possibilities for the future... but first I have some planning to do for the future. Make some long term goals, figure out what I want to see happen. I believe that planning out our future is a very important step in seeing it happen. So, tonight I am going to take this time to plan, dream, and sell my lemonade. I can do this! And so can you! What do you want to be doing, really? What is your heart calling you to do? How long has the ache been there to do something else? We should all be doing what we are passionate about. This is the only way I know how to truly live a happy life. So, come on! Get happy! ;)

Quote of the day...

“Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot
tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image.
What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.” 

 

~ Robert Collier

Quote of the Day

"Luck is where preparation meets opportunity."

Am I on the right road?

The things I have done in my life to get to where I am today... oh, the stories I could tell. But, we all have stories, don't we? Everyday is an opportunity to reinvent who we are. So, who do I want to be? What kind of picture do I want people to see? What am I projecting out to strangers? And am I really right where I am supposed to be? What does that really mean? I am full of questions today. The only thing I know for certain is that I am trying my best to be who I should be. To take advantage of the opportunities that have been presented to me and to grasp onto them with vigor and see where I end up. I sure hope its on top. I deserve to be on top. We all do. So what are you waiting for? :)

Quote of the day

"Do not think you are on the right road just because it is well beaten"

When sadness creeps in...

The oil spill in the gulf is really getting me down. I just watched a youtube video by a woman who lives down there and has had a first hand experience of the whole situation from behind the scenes at BP. It doesn't sound good. I mean it never has. But, really can no one come up with a solution? Is this just what we are going to deal with? Are these the "end days"? Maybe that is part of my sadness more than anything... that we are destroying this earth everyday. The ocean life is dying and people near the gulf are being affected by the air quality. Children are getting sick and who knows what the long term effects will be. No one really knows. It is just dismal. And right now as I write this my cousin just told me that there is a storm coming and that means that the ships that are in the ocean are going to have to leave what they are doing and it could halt relief efforts for up to two weeks at a time. OYE!
The sadness also gets worse when I think of the people whose livelyhoods have been affected by the oil spill. They had been hit hard a few years ago by disasters like Katrina and things had finally been getting back to "normal" and this happens and there seems to be no HOPE. Hope, the one thing I strive to have everyday for a better future. But, these hard working people are losing their hope. They are taking it out on their families, their wives and children are getting the brunt of their frustration and anger. Some are committing suicide and this is only the beginning.
So, what do we do? What can we do? All I can think to do right now is to pray. To send light and love to those in pain. To ask that the animals and ocean life that are hurting and dying because of this thing humans did for our own selfish needs be forgiven. That the birds and fish go peacefully without too much pain. And most of all that we learn something from this horrible disaster. That the earth is not going to heal from everything we do to it. That we have to take better care of the place we live, of the things we have.
One thing we can do is donate hair. Donate time. Help somehow. We can donate hair so that they can make boons to collect the oil. 

http://www.matteroftrust.org/programs/hairmatsinfo.html

Why isn't it like in the movies?!

A reoccurring theme in any single woman's life... love. Where is it? I have found love, lost love, been engaged and lived with a man... and now it's just me. Sometimes I wonder if being "in love" will interfere too much with being me... and so it has not happened like it happens in the movies... you meet, you fall in love, you make mad passionate love, you get married... I've made it all the way up to the you get married part. I am OK with this. I can't imagine being married right now. That means I would have someone else to make plans with for the future, someone else's goals to think about besides my own... o.k. honestly I would not mind thinking and dreaming up the future with a partner... but it is nice to know that I am the only one I have to worry about right now. Esp. since I have plenty to worry about all on my own. And I know that in the past I have lost myself in relationships. I have spent too much time worrying about the other person and less time focusing on what I need and want for me... and no one else. I believe I was put on this earth with special gifts to give.... now if I could just figure out what they are. ;) Ive been told by intuitive people that I was meant to do something healing with art but what that is, I haven't a clue. And honestly part of my search for what I am "meant" to do is starting right here on this blog. It's all about me. Ha. I know that I need to do some real soul searching to find out what I need to be doing in life. And what better way to do that than to look closely at what life is telling me and to try and decode it. So, no "love of my life" - yet. Well, I better get moving on the me part so that when that man walks into my life that I want nothing more than to waste my days lying in bed talking to him I will be able to do that freely because I have some other things figured out first.  For now I'll just smile because I know that love is out there. I also know that I have so much love in my life already that I don't need to hurry on finding a "love of my life". For now I'll just Smile.

There are no rules on how we connect...

I have a friend who I feel so connected too but we hardly ever talk. When we do end up talking time just flies by and I feel that I end up telling her the most personal information ever... things that I would be embarrassed to tell other people. And it always feels good to tell her. To talk to her, to say anything to her. There is a man in my life like that too. And I wish that he could be the man I spend the rest of my life with but I just don't think that is our destiny this time around. And so we talk and talk and talk... Like tonight we talked for almost 4 hours! We hadn't seen each other in 3 weeks and a lot had happened... but it is so easy to get lost in conversation with him as well. I hope that I can find this with the man I marry. I hope I can find a man that I feel so connected to in every possible way, one that I can say anything too. But, then I worry that this man will not like my relationship that I have with this other man. But he has become just a friend. A really good friend that I would hate to lose. Someone I always want to feel connected too. I suppose this could change too. That we could drift apart and move on. If we both found other people to date and they would take up our time and energy. The thing is that it all comes back to love and trust. I love a lot of people. I trust few and truly connect with only a handful. But in this ever changing world we live in why stop connecting with as many people as you can? This life to me is like a big school and the only way we are going to learn and grow spiritually is to connect with people on a deeper level and then we will evolve. So, evolve already! :)

Quote of the Day

“Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” 

 Greg Anderson

Past Ghosts...

Being back at home has really brought me back to my old self. Well, I am still me... but the people who used to be in my life everyday, old boyfriends, old friends... they are coming out of the woodwork! It's been a blast. It's also been really exhausting! Old feelings toward people come right back to the surface, especially when they are bad feelings. I've discovered that people's relationships - or the way they relate - it never really changes. The things that got on my nerves 10 years ago - guess what? They still get on my nerves! There was some small part of me that wanted to just spend some time with an old boyfriend and just be friends. Just connect as people who are experiencing life. Instead of being able to do that, old feelings came up and I felt objectified. As a conquest that has been already won and could easily be conquered again. Is that what I really am to him? As we walked around this place where we met up I was introduced as his "Best Friend" The one who knew more about him than anyone else. The sad fact is that I probably was HIS best friend, but the question still lurks in my head - was he EVER my friend? We danced our dance for five years and now he has moved on and I am happy for him, but will he ever be happy? It feels good to know that is not my life anymore... this person who made my life really tough for a long time could no longer rule my emotions as he once had. It is a freeing feeling and yet it was disturbing to revisit that part of my life. Who was that girl that allowed that? The good thing about being able to revisit the past is that it is the past. I feel really good to able to leave it there. Some times I worry about my future, like who will I end up with or am I destined to be alone? But in the end I realize that it is not the destination that I need to focus on but how I do on the journey there....

“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.”

Dreams

I've been traveling a bunch lately... sleeping in different beds. In the last two weeks I've been in 5 different beds in 5 different places and the one consistent thing is that I have been having some rather vivid dreams. For the most part they have been about or including two guys in my life. And its been interesting how the dreams have been playing out and when and where these guys come into play.  It's almost like they switch off every night. The interesting thing about them being in my dreams is that I wake up every morning knowing they were there and what happened. Which is not always a "normal" thing for me. So, the question is: What are these dreams trying to tell me? One of the guys I LOVE and the other I am just getting to know. There are two different types of connections between the two and yet I am not really sure that I am going to end up with either one of them. Dating sure is hard. Sometimes I think I would be better off single. But then I know I want a loving husband and a family, right? Don't I know that? Sometimes I wonder what I really know... And sometimes I think that I am just plain not ready for the love of my life. Maybe I need more time to figure out how to make it in the world with out a man before I can fully let one in to take up my time. Because I do get lazy when I got a man in my bed... I mean why get up when everything you want is right there?  In the end though, I do want to find that love that will make the days a little less heavy and good times that much more fun. Whether or not that will happen sooner than later doesn't really matter, I guess what matters is that it happens with the right person. <3

Quote of the day

"You are Perfect Just the Way you ARE!"

~Michael Franti

Endings.

Yes. It's been a week full of series endings on t.v. And while I don't own a t.v. I do watch t.v. shows on my computer. Oh, how I love the digital age. The thing about watching my t.v. shows on the internet is that I was not privy to all the hype about the season finales of some of my favorite t.v. shows. So, while I became aware at some point during the actual season finale that I was in fact watching the shows ending... I felt almost betrayed that they could wrap things up so quickly. Life does not get wrapped up so quickly. I myself have been in the mist of a number of endings this past week. I left my home town to come work for my parents after spending an amazing weekend with a man I care about dearly but have come to realize that I just need to move on from that dream of there being an "us". There are so many different ways to connect with people out there in the world, it is hard to know which way we are meant to connect with those we just are connected too. Anyway, I said goodbye to him this week, and I feel ok about... but it was not wrapped up in such a nice neat bow. While I don't feel that we will ever lose touch with one another... I do feel that we are moving farther apart than we once had been... and change is hard. Endings are hard... no matter how much you KNOW it needs to happen. The things that gets me about season finales on tv is that they are so emotional. Well, at least the shows I watch. I am a very emotional person in general so the fact that I think they are emotional is not a huge deal... but they have been so pertinent to what is going on in my own personal life that I think they have had a bigger effect on me than possibly on someone who is totally content in their life and has everything they want. I don't have what I think I want right now. But, that isn't to say that I don't have anything I want. I have a loving family and wonderful friends and I live in a town I love and I have a roof over my head... my basic needs are met. But am I proud of what I am doing and happy with where my life is going? Not really. Not really at all. Sometimes I am unsure if I find it more important to live for today or do more planning for the future. I am not always the best at seeing into the future and how it will look and what it can do for me. I think all I can do some days is live in the moment and not worry about the future... but still keep it in mind. I saw Michael Franti on Monday night.. one of my favorite musicians... he knows how to keep a crowd moving! And I am going to see him tonight now that I am at my parents house... He has this new song called "Shake it" the lyrics go "you are perfect just the way you are... shake it, shake it, shake it" ... and today I am perfect just the way I am! :) 

"The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough." 

 

~Rabindranath Tagore

A Month away from "home"

What does a girl really need for a month away from home? I am preparing to leave my lovely town for a month to go work for my parents... and I will be living in their home.. which used to be my home but I digress. It is stressing me out to try and figure out what I NEED. I mean really all I NEED is some clean underwear, a couple of changes of clothes and a toothbrush, right? LOL. Should I bring my bike? And of course I don't go anywhere without my computer. And my camera... well, I do have a wedding to photograph while I am in VA so that actually is a necessity. Hmmm... then that means I need my external hard drive so I can back up photos... Oh, and that is just hardware. What happened to the simple life?  The other big worry is getting all my bills paid. I feel like all my bills are going to be due the day I get back from this month long trip. How does one do that? Should I leave my roommates in charge and hope they get it all paid even though it is all in my name and... oh, wait... it shouldn't matter if it's late it's not like my credit score could get any worse... I am declaring bankruptcy. Worry. Worry is not helping me live in the now. Right now I am creating an incredibly beautiful baby photo album for my best friend and her twins. I am so excited to give it to her! If those little baby faces can't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will. :)

Ants in the mailbox

I have been getting my mail with ants. Little black yucky ants crawling all over my mail. And it was frustrating me to no ends when the mail man would put the mail in the back of the mailbox... where the ants were prolific. Well, today I had it with the ants. They were getting out of control. They had created little piles of ant baby eggs all along the side of the mailbox. It was disgusting and something had to be done. So, I went to the old internet to find out what people do about such a problem. The one solution that seemed the easiest (because I had the necessary ingredients) was baking soda. So I went to my fridge and pulled out the box of baking soda that had been in there for what I am sure was longer than a month and took it out to the mailbox. I poured baking soda everywhere inside that mailbox and the ants went running as fast as they could! It was interesting to watch them try to run to the ceiling (some of them succeeded) as most of them fell back down into the baking soda.  I waited until the ants had cleared out for the most part and then poured water into the mailbox to wash the rest out. The true test will be if there are any left tomorrow. I am hoping this solved the problem. But when ants are concerned there are no guarantees... those buggers work non stop until they die. But I am hoping that when I go to get my mail tomorrow all I will pull out of there will be bills... gosh.. who wishes that? ;)

Music

I love music. I just found out about this site that lets you download free music everyday. <3


thedownplayer.com

Politics are a funny thing. I took a little test today that I think its a good representation of where I stand. Try it yourself see what you think.  http://www.politicalcompass.org/

Quote of the day

"You think you can or you think you can't, 

either way you are right."

Bike Riding

Oh, boy. Ok, so I love to tell people that I rode my bike across Alaska. From Fairbanks to Anchorage. It was an amazing beautiful journey... one that I did not do completely on my bike... but I made a valiant effort. The weather was unpredictable and I was not prepared for it to snow in August! But, hey that's Alaska for ya... now I know better. That was over 10 years ago. I was 21. I am now 31 and not in as great a shape as I was when I could even fathom biking across Alaska. Which brings me to today. It is beautiful outside today. Absolutely gorgeous! There is a cool breeze and I  decided to brush off my trusty old rode bike (a beautiful Bianchi Eros) pump up the tires and go for a twirl around the block. Well, originally I thought I would bike across town and see if my friend was home with her babies. That was before I remembered the clip pedals! If you are at all familiar with long rides on a road bike then you might be familiar with clip pedals. What they do is lock your feet into the pedal so it makes it easier to pedal when going uphill so that your legs are not always pushing, you can also pull up on the pedals to make the bike go. They are awesome. I absolutely love them, they just take some getting used too. They can be tricky to get to clip in the first time and if you have to stop you must clip out quickly or you will fall. This has happened to me before... and guess what? It happened to me today. The problem with this lovely town I live in is that there are hills everywhere! It is not so bad to clip in while going down hill or while on a flat surface but going up hill is not ideal. I was doing perfectly going up this hill remembering how much I love my clip pedals and how much easier they make it for me to go uphill when BAM! my clip shoe upclips from the pedal while I am going up hill - this is VERY BAD. So, I immediately get off the bike by unclipping my other pedal and then proceed to walk up to the top of the hill. I check my pedals and try to tighten the pedal but discover that the tool set I just bought does not have the appropiate size allen wrench. So, I attempt to get back on my bike using a utility pole. The problem is that my clip does not want to clip into the pedal. As I stand there with my left foot clipped into the pedal and my right hand on the utility pole and trying with all my might to get my right foot to just CLIP INTO THE STUPID CLIP - I lose my balance and fall on my left side into the road with my left foot still clipped in and my arms stretched out to catch me. OUCH. That was embarrassing, good thing no one saw me... Get back on, ride home and some how the shoe goes right into the clip like it was never a big deal. Maybe I'll try to venture out of the neighborhood tomorrow. :)

Quote of the day

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand”

 ~ Robert Vallett

LOVE

Words. In other languages there is like 100 different words for all the different kinds of love out there. So how can we as English speaking people know which kind of love we feel for another person when there is only one word? I like the word love. I love a lot of people. But I don't love them all equally. There is a strong love in my heart for a man out there in the world... a man that is not sure what he wants. I know what I want. I want his love. And the thing is that I have it. I just don't have it in the way that I want it. Fully and unconditionally and in the I wanna make babies and spend the rest of my life together love. No. What we have right now is an amazing friendship. The kind of friendship that I want to have with my future husband. This kind of love is hard to let go of. This kind of love is hard to find. When there is such an intimate and deep connection just talking to some one on the phone... even when they are hundreds of miles away. I don't think that the way two people connect really changes over the course of time. I mean sure you learn more about a person and your feelings about them may change but when there is a special connection there I believe it is always there. There have been three major loves in my life. Two of them I still talk to regularly. The other we have just drifted apart... not in a bad way... if I saw him tomorrow I would so give him a hug.  I still have love for him. I have love for the things he taught me and the way that I grew up and out of that relationship. Of all of my relationships. As for today my heart is a little hurt by love. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for it. I've found that love finds you when you least expect it too. Now getting it to stick around for the long haul that's something I can't figure out how to have happen... I suppose one day it just does or it just doesn't. For today I living like I have all the love in the world that I need and that no one can make me or break me. But someday I hope to find a lasting love... one that will be true through and through. But for today I will just smile at what I have and keep on loving...

Quote of the day

   "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment."

~John Rohn

BANKRUPTCY

I think the word bankruptcy I most closely associate to Monopoly. You lose all your money because you bought too many properties and couldn't afford to buy the hotels that your opponent bought and then when you saved up just enough money to try to get ahead BAM! you land on Park Place and there happens to be a hotel there and you go bankrupt. I mean really. Who goes bankrupt these days? Well, as it turns out lots of people. Me for one and a close friend of mine is also going through the scary world of bankruptcy. I think the most scary part about bankruptcy is not knowing if I am going to need some credit some time in the near future and be turned down because of what I am doing. The thing is that this feels like the best way for me to go right now. Living in the now. In the past 6 months I have lost 2 jobs, been on unemployment twice and I am working a mostly seasonal job at the moment with no real hope of getting a full time year round set salary job. (that sounds so fancy and nice to me.) But on the other hand, it is kinda fun to be jobless. Just last night I stayed up with my room mate until midnight... when her birthday was officially over and we had drank enough to be able with good graces say it was time for bed. Yesterday was Monday. This morning she woke up at 6am and went to work as usual and I slept until 8. I think I have the better end of the deal. I'm just saying.
Back to bankruptcy. Today I am organizing all of the appropriate forms so that I can be ready to file. This is a big step for me. I have been opening this book on how to file bankruptcy on your own for weeks... ok ok maybe its been months. It is really intimidating and overwhelming and kinda daunting. SO, today I am taking a real big first step to getting organized and ready. I considered paying some one to be a bankruptcy preparer because I was so overwhelmed. I decided I CAN DO THIS on my own. I know I can because I can do whatever I put my mind too. And I know I can follow through and complete this task too... because I have too. Getting a phone call 12 times a day from credit collectors was not the reason I got a cell phone! Right now I am copying forms so that I have more than one for all the mistakes I am going to make. Then I am going to start filling them out. One day at a time.

:)

Quote of the day

"If we did all the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."

~ Thomas Alva Edison

I believe in hope.

I am someone who doesn't like to give up. I have big ideas. Sometimes my ideas are too big for me to accomplish but for a while I think I can do ANYTHING I put my mind too. The problem is that sometimes I try to "put my mind too" too many things. Like How about I start a bakery while creating herbal infusions and grow micro greens with my friends. That was fun while it lasted. But nothing really took off or did amazing for me because I was all over the place. Not committed enough to one idea. This has been my problem for as long as I can remember. I have never thought as myself as a commitment phobe. I mean I have been in long term relationships where I would have stayed if things would have worked out. So I guess I am not that kind of commitment phobe. I am afraid of my accomplishments. I am afraid at truly succeeding. I think its kinda dumb too. I mean what is there really to be afraid of? Geez, I would just HATE to make a ton of money and feel like I can truly support a family without worry! That would suck. No, I really wish I was making more money. I really wish I comfortable with money. But, like a lot of my friends there just isn't enough to go around. I've made a lot of choices in my life to be where I am today. And where am I you ask? Well, I am living in a state where the unemployment rate is out of control and I am living in a town where there are people with PHDs that are waiting tables because this town is that cool that they are willing to make less money for a better quality of life. Well, I am working on changing my situation. This is where I am starting. With HOPE. Hope for a better tomorrow that I will create for myself. I am a 31 year old woman who makes $10 an hour and works seasonally. Right now I am living off of unemployment and I photograph weddings on the side. I am applying for bankruptcy and I am single. I'm not an unattractive woman and I do have a college degree. So what am I going to do to change my life? Well, for today I am going to have hope for a better tomorrow. My hope is that through writing about my journey every day I will come up with one positive thing about my future and how I want it to unfold. Hope for the future may be all I have today. But I am hoping that tomorrow it will be my reality. You gotta start some where. And even if I don't have enough money to do what I need to do... it doesn't cost a thing to smile. :)