Quote of the day

"You are Perfect Just the Way you ARE!"

~Michael Franti

Endings.

Yes. It's been a week full of series endings on t.v. And while I don't own a t.v. I do watch t.v. shows on my computer. Oh, how I love the digital age. The thing about watching my t.v. shows on the internet is that I was not privy to all the hype about the season finales of some of my favorite t.v. shows. So, while I became aware at some point during the actual season finale that I was in fact watching the shows ending... I felt almost betrayed that they could wrap things up so quickly. Life does not get wrapped up so quickly. I myself have been in the mist of a number of endings this past week. I left my home town to come work for my parents after spending an amazing weekend with a man I care about dearly but have come to realize that I just need to move on from that dream of there being an "us". There are so many different ways to connect with people out there in the world, it is hard to know which way we are meant to connect with those we just are connected too. Anyway, I said goodbye to him this week, and I feel ok about... but it was not wrapped up in such a nice neat bow. While I don't feel that we will ever lose touch with one another... I do feel that we are moving farther apart than we once had been... and change is hard. Endings are hard... no matter how much you KNOW it needs to happen. The things that gets me about season finales on tv is that they are so emotional. Well, at least the shows I watch. I am a very emotional person in general so the fact that I think they are emotional is not a huge deal... but they have been so pertinent to what is going on in my own personal life that I think they have had a bigger effect on me than possibly on someone who is totally content in their life and has everything they want. I don't have what I think I want right now. But, that isn't to say that I don't have anything I want. I have a loving family and wonderful friends and I live in a town I love and I have a roof over my head... my basic needs are met. But am I proud of what I am doing and happy with where my life is going? Not really. Not really at all. Sometimes I am unsure if I find it more important to live for today or do more planning for the future. I am not always the best at seeing into the future and how it will look and what it can do for me. I think all I can do some days is live in the moment and not worry about the future... but still keep it in mind. I saw Michael Franti on Monday night.. one of my favorite musicians... he knows how to keep a crowd moving! And I am going to see him tonight now that I am at my parents house... He has this new song called "Shake it" the lyrics go "you are perfect just the way you are... shake it, shake it, shake it" ... and today I am perfect just the way I am! :) 

"The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough." 

 

~Rabindranath Tagore

A Month away from "home"

What does a girl really need for a month away from home? I am preparing to leave my lovely town for a month to go work for my parents... and I will be living in their home.. which used to be my home but I digress. It is stressing me out to try and figure out what I NEED. I mean really all I NEED is some clean underwear, a couple of changes of clothes and a toothbrush, right? LOL. Should I bring my bike? And of course I don't go anywhere without my computer. And my camera... well, I do have a wedding to photograph while I am in VA so that actually is a necessity. Hmmm... then that means I need my external hard drive so I can back up photos... Oh, and that is just hardware. What happened to the simple life?  The other big worry is getting all my bills paid. I feel like all my bills are going to be due the day I get back from this month long trip. How does one do that? Should I leave my roommates in charge and hope they get it all paid even though it is all in my name and... oh, wait... it shouldn't matter if it's late it's not like my credit score could get any worse... I am declaring bankruptcy. Worry. Worry is not helping me live in the now. Right now I am creating an incredibly beautiful baby photo album for my best friend and her twins. I am so excited to give it to her! If those little baby faces can't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will. :)

Ants in the mailbox

I have been getting my mail with ants. Little black yucky ants crawling all over my mail. And it was frustrating me to no ends when the mail man would put the mail in the back of the mailbox... where the ants were prolific. Well, today I had it with the ants. They were getting out of control. They had created little piles of ant baby eggs all along the side of the mailbox. It was disgusting and something had to be done. So, I went to the old internet to find out what people do about such a problem. The one solution that seemed the easiest (because I had the necessary ingredients) was baking soda. So I went to my fridge and pulled out the box of baking soda that had been in there for what I am sure was longer than a month and took it out to the mailbox. I poured baking soda everywhere inside that mailbox and the ants went running as fast as they could! It was interesting to watch them try to run to the ceiling (some of them succeeded) as most of them fell back down into the baking soda.  I waited until the ants had cleared out for the most part and then poured water into the mailbox to wash the rest out. The true test will be if there are any left tomorrow. I am hoping this solved the problem. But when ants are concerned there are no guarantees... those buggers work non stop until they die. But I am hoping that when I go to get my mail tomorrow all I will pull out of there will be bills... gosh.. who wishes that? ;)

Music

I love music. I just found out about this site that lets you download free music everyday. <3


thedownplayer.com

Politics are a funny thing. I took a little test today that I think its a good representation of where I stand. Try it yourself see what you think.  http://www.politicalcompass.org/

Quote of the day

"You think you can or you think you can't, 

either way you are right."

Bike Riding

Oh, boy. Ok, so I love to tell people that I rode my bike across Alaska. From Fairbanks to Anchorage. It was an amazing beautiful journey... one that I did not do completely on my bike... but I made a valiant effort. The weather was unpredictable and I was not prepared for it to snow in August! But, hey that's Alaska for ya... now I know better. That was over 10 years ago. I was 21. I am now 31 and not in as great a shape as I was when I could even fathom biking across Alaska. Which brings me to today. It is beautiful outside today. Absolutely gorgeous! There is a cool breeze and I  decided to brush off my trusty old rode bike (a beautiful Bianchi Eros) pump up the tires and go for a twirl around the block. Well, originally I thought I would bike across town and see if my friend was home with her babies. That was before I remembered the clip pedals! If you are at all familiar with long rides on a road bike then you might be familiar with clip pedals. What they do is lock your feet into the pedal so it makes it easier to pedal when going uphill so that your legs are not always pushing, you can also pull up on the pedals to make the bike go. They are awesome. I absolutely love them, they just take some getting used too. They can be tricky to get to clip in the first time and if you have to stop you must clip out quickly or you will fall. This has happened to me before... and guess what? It happened to me today. The problem with this lovely town I live in is that there are hills everywhere! It is not so bad to clip in while going down hill or while on a flat surface but going up hill is not ideal. I was doing perfectly going up this hill remembering how much I love my clip pedals and how much easier they make it for me to go uphill when BAM! my clip shoe upclips from the pedal while I am going up hill - this is VERY BAD. So, I immediately get off the bike by unclipping my other pedal and then proceed to walk up to the top of the hill. I check my pedals and try to tighten the pedal but discover that the tool set I just bought does not have the appropiate size allen wrench. So, I attempt to get back on my bike using a utility pole. The problem is that my clip does not want to clip into the pedal. As I stand there with my left foot clipped into the pedal and my right hand on the utility pole and trying with all my might to get my right foot to just CLIP INTO THE STUPID CLIP - I lose my balance and fall on my left side into the road with my left foot still clipped in and my arms stretched out to catch me. OUCH. That was embarrassing, good thing no one saw me... Get back on, ride home and some how the shoe goes right into the clip like it was never a big deal. Maybe I'll try to venture out of the neighborhood tomorrow. :)

Quote of the day

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand”

 ~ Robert Vallett

LOVE

Words. In other languages there is like 100 different words for all the different kinds of love out there. So how can we as English speaking people know which kind of love we feel for another person when there is only one word? I like the word love. I love a lot of people. But I don't love them all equally. There is a strong love in my heart for a man out there in the world... a man that is not sure what he wants. I know what I want. I want his love. And the thing is that I have it. I just don't have it in the way that I want it. Fully and unconditionally and in the I wanna make babies and spend the rest of my life together love. No. What we have right now is an amazing friendship. The kind of friendship that I want to have with my future husband. This kind of love is hard to let go of. This kind of love is hard to find. When there is such an intimate and deep connection just talking to some one on the phone... even when they are hundreds of miles away. I don't think that the way two people connect really changes over the course of time. I mean sure you learn more about a person and your feelings about them may change but when there is a special connection there I believe it is always there. There have been three major loves in my life. Two of them I still talk to regularly. The other we have just drifted apart... not in a bad way... if I saw him tomorrow I would so give him a hug.  I still have love for him. I have love for the things he taught me and the way that I grew up and out of that relationship. Of all of my relationships. As for today my heart is a little hurt by love. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for it. I've found that love finds you when you least expect it too. Now getting it to stick around for the long haul that's something I can't figure out how to have happen... I suppose one day it just does or it just doesn't. For today I living like I have all the love in the world that I need and that no one can make me or break me. But someday I hope to find a lasting love... one that will be true through and through. But for today I will just smile at what I have and keep on loving...

Quote of the day

   "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment."

~John Rohn

BANKRUPTCY

I think the word bankruptcy I most closely associate to Monopoly. You lose all your money because you bought too many properties and couldn't afford to buy the hotels that your opponent bought and then when you saved up just enough money to try to get ahead BAM! you land on Park Place and there happens to be a hotel there and you go bankrupt. I mean really. Who goes bankrupt these days? Well, as it turns out lots of people. Me for one and a close friend of mine is also going through the scary world of bankruptcy. I think the most scary part about bankruptcy is not knowing if I am going to need some credit some time in the near future and be turned down because of what I am doing. The thing is that this feels like the best way for me to go right now. Living in the now. In the past 6 months I have lost 2 jobs, been on unemployment twice and I am working a mostly seasonal job at the moment with no real hope of getting a full time year round set salary job. (that sounds so fancy and nice to me.) But on the other hand, it is kinda fun to be jobless. Just last night I stayed up with my room mate until midnight... when her birthday was officially over and we had drank enough to be able with good graces say it was time for bed. Yesterday was Monday. This morning she woke up at 6am and went to work as usual and I slept until 8. I think I have the better end of the deal. I'm just saying.
Back to bankruptcy. Today I am organizing all of the appropriate forms so that I can be ready to file. This is a big step for me. I have been opening this book on how to file bankruptcy on your own for weeks... ok ok maybe its been months. It is really intimidating and overwhelming and kinda daunting. SO, today I am taking a real big first step to getting organized and ready. I considered paying some one to be a bankruptcy preparer because I was so overwhelmed. I decided I CAN DO THIS on my own. I know I can because I can do whatever I put my mind too. And I know I can follow through and complete this task too... because I have too. Getting a phone call 12 times a day from credit collectors was not the reason I got a cell phone! Right now I am copying forms so that I have more than one for all the mistakes I am going to make. Then I am going to start filling them out. One day at a time.

:)

Quote of the day

"If we did all the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."

~ Thomas Alva Edison

I believe in hope.

I am someone who doesn't like to give up. I have big ideas. Sometimes my ideas are too big for me to accomplish but for a while I think I can do ANYTHING I put my mind too. The problem is that sometimes I try to "put my mind too" too many things. Like How about I start a bakery while creating herbal infusions and grow micro greens with my friends. That was fun while it lasted. But nothing really took off or did amazing for me because I was all over the place. Not committed enough to one idea. This has been my problem for as long as I can remember. I have never thought as myself as a commitment phobe. I mean I have been in long term relationships where I would have stayed if things would have worked out. So I guess I am not that kind of commitment phobe. I am afraid of my accomplishments. I am afraid at truly succeeding. I think its kinda dumb too. I mean what is there really to be afraid of? Geez, I would just HATE to make a ton of money and feel like I can truly support a family without worry! That would suck. No, I really wish I was making more money. I really wish I comfortable with money. But, like a lot of my friends there just isn't enough to go around. I've made a lot of choices in my life to be where I am today. And where am I you ask? Well, I am living in a state where the unemployment rate is out of control and I am living in a town where there are people with PHDs that are waiting tables because this town is that cool that they are willing to make less money for a better quality of life. Well, I am working on changing my situation. This is where I am starting. With HOPE. Hope for a better tomorrow that I will create for myself. I am a 31 year old woman who makes $10 an hour and works seasonally. Right now I am living off of unemployment and I photograph weddings on the side. I am applying for bankruptcy and I am single. I'm not an unattractive woman and I do have a college degree. So what am I going to do to change my life? Well, for today I am going to have hope for a better tomorrow. My hope is that through writing about my journey every day I will come up with one positive thing about my future and how I want it to unfold. Hope for the future may be all I have today. But I am hoping that tomorrow it will be my reality. You gotta start some where. And even if I don't have enough money to do what I need to do... it doesn't cost a thing to smile. :)