Past Ghosts...

Being back at home has really brought me back to my old self. Well, I am still me... but the people who used to be in my life everyday, old boyfriends, old friends... they are coming out of the woodwork! It's been a blast. It's also been really exhausting! Old feelings toward people come right back to the surface, especially when they are bad feelings. I've discovered that people's relationships - or the way they relate - it never really changes. The things that got on my nerves 10 years ago - guess what? They still get on my nerves! There was some small part of me that wanted to just spend some time with an old boyfriend and just be friends. Just connect as people who are experiencing life. Instead of being able to do that, old feelings came up and I felt objectified. As a conquest that has been already won and could easily be conquered again. Is that what I really am to him? As we walked around this place where we met up I was introduced as his "Best Friend" The one who knew more about him than anyone else. The sad fact is that I probably was HIS best friend, but the question still lurks in my head - was he EVER my friend? We danced our dance for five years and now he has moved on and I am happy for him, but will he ever be happy? It feels good to know that is not my life anymore... this person who made my life really tough for a long time could no longer rule my emotions as he once had. It is a freeing feeling and yet it was disturbing to revisit that part of my life. Who was that girl that allowed that? The good thing about being able to revisit the past is that it is the past. I feel really good to able to leave it there. Some times I worry about my future, like who will I end up with or am I destined to be alone? But in the end I realize that it is not the destination that I need to focus on but how I do on the journey there....