Fear

I have had A LOT of fear come up lately.  I didn't even know that was what I was feeling until it just came out. I'm afraid. There are so many reasons for this feeling. I mean who am I to start a business and make a bunch of money? Who am I to be extremely successful and be happy with I am doing? I know, I know...  I'm an awesome person and all and I got a lot going for me but here I am at almost 34 and I'm stuck. I'm stuck at a job that I happen to be really good at but pays me horribly. I have a car that is about to die on me and I can't afford to fix due to the job that doesn't pay me enough for the work I'm doing. I'm afraid because I feel like I have failed at other things that I have started or because other projects that I have started haven't "panned out" the way I thought they would have. Who am I to say this will be different?

It's almost funny because there are days that I feel so "different" than I used to feel. So much more like myself, like I know myself, I know what I want I know who I am... I just KNOW. 5 years ago I couldn't say that. I was in transition leaving all (most) of my friends and family, moving to a new city because it's where I FELT like I should be. I do a lot of things in my life because it feels right. I look back at who I was then and I think I lacked a lot of self confidence that I now feel that I have. BUT there is this piece of fear that I can't seem to let go of... Ugh!

The past two days I have been through a storm of emotions about all the things lacking in my life. The people I wish were a part of my daily life, the way I wish things were different, how hard it is to work all the time and to feel well and happy and full of life.

And now I want to focus on all that I do have.

I have amazing friends. A community or multiple communities of supporting people. I have dance. I  live in this beautiful place. I have great housemates. I have the most supportive family ever. I love where I live. I am healthy and I am exercising in a way that feels great for me. I can feel happy most days and focus on positive things in life. I see the beauty in life and I know that is a blessing in itself.

With everything going on sometimes life is just so overwhelming. I know I can do this thing. I know I can accomplish GREAT things. I know I capable of amazing things. I know its there. I just need to push myself past the fear into the light, into the knowing that it will all be alright.

"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves. "
Thomas A. Edison